Kamikaze
by inversereality
Summary: Arii lives in a world where cougars reign, and ex-warriors must work to destroy them. But it doesn't really matter whether you win or lose, in this world. Either way, you die.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hey all! This is another old story of mine, which I thought I'd post for fun. This particular 'fic was the most fun to write of anything I've written to date, so here it is! It's not as good as Playing StarClan, but it doesn't suck. xD Enjoy!**

* * *

**summary**

In a world where cougars hold reign over the forest and everything around it and ex-warriors hide away in the shadows, Arii lives with a group of cats who train their whole life for the one chance to make a difference. Unlike the others, however, who dedicate their all to their training and their 'Clan', Arii doesn't want her one moment. Because it doesn't matter whether you fail or succeed in your mission.

Either way, you die.

**chapter one**

Balance. Shift your weight. Dig in your claws. Relax. Again.

This isn't what I wanted.

Jump. Balance. Shift your weight. Dig in your claws. Relax. Again.

I didn't ask to be here, to do this.

"Shift your _weight_! If you can't get in the right position, you'll fail!"

But I can't get out of it.

"Mousebrains! Like this!"

I jumped. I balanced. I shifted my weight, dug in my claws, and relaxed. I did it again. I did it well, I would succeed in my mission, this was what I was born for.

I was born to die.

Of course. We all die eventually. Why not die saving your 'Clan' members? Why not die remembered for your strength, determination, nobility, and bravery?

Maybe because I wanted to live past the day when the ancient Clan cats became warriors. Perhaps because I wanted to know what it was like to grow old and have others take care of you like you were an asset, not a burden, like the sick, weak, and elderly are here.

Or maybe it's because I didn't want to watch my family and friends leap to their deaths right in front of my eyes, see them fly over the edge and soar like eagles to the bottom of the gorge, their bodies and their prey's twisted awkwardly across the sand-colored stone.

But that's what I was expected to do, as if it was perfectly normal to be happy that your parents, your brother, your mate just killed themselves.

It's not like I ever told anyone how I felt. I acted like everyone else, spoke like everyone else: That I was proud to be doing this. That this was my duty, and I would succeed. I never said a word as one cat after another manipulated the cougars into believing whatever story they told just before they leapt forward and attacked the creature in front of them, both cats, large and small, falling over the edge of the cliff.

It wasn't my place to say anything. I was a small, young apprentice with no experience and no say. Hawk was our leader, our trainer, and we would listen to what he said, not what we wanted, even if anyone thought about this tactic the way I did, which they didn't.

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"Dapple, it's like _this_! Shift your weight to the left, not the right!"

Hawk brushed passed me and stalked over to the small brown and white she-cat. He looked back over his shoulder at the rest of us, our claws buried in the wood of the tree in front of us. "Training is over for today. Go eat something." His head jerked back towards Dapple and he started roughly explaining the procedure to her in low whispers.

A flash of sand-colored fur exploded in the corner of my eyes, and Falcon stood in front of me. "Want to go find something to eat?" he asked, his pale blue eyes sparkling. I felt myself warm up all over and I nodded, stepping away from the tree.

"That would be great," I whispered. His lips twitched up into a smile, and he motioned with his tail for me to follow him. As I drifted behind him, my paws dragging lazily across the ground, I let my gaze wander over the things I liked most about Falcon: His long, easy gait, the way his fluffy tail brushed lightly against the leaves, how the wind lifted the ends of his long fur, and the best, his piercing blue eyes staring deep into mine, as if he could see every emotion I ever have and ever will feel.

Suddenly, he tore forward, his paws throwing up leaves like a cloud of red and yellow and orange. He skidded around a bush, out of my sight, but I could hear his victorious yelp as his claws connected with his prey.

"Aha!" Falcon said as he came back around the bush, a tuft of the rabbit's fur snagging on the branches. He dropped it at my paws and plopped down in front of me. "How's that?"

I smiled, leaning down to take a bite while keeping my eyes on his. He tore off a piece and chewed as I sat back up, his warm breath drifting over my muzzle. We were silent as we finished the prey, and even after we were done Falcon stayed quiet. I could tell something was bothering him, and I tilted my head.

"What's wrong?" I inquired, watching several emotions flit across his face. Finally, sadness settled in his eyes, and he looked at the sky.

"Shade is going on his mission in a few days."

Watching as his shoulders slumped and his ears drooped, I slid forward and touched my nose to the top of his head. Maybe he felt the same way I did about the missions, about the technique we used. Maybe he agreed that there could be a better way. Maybe I wasn't alone. Hope filled my chest, and I looked into his eyes, searching for proof that we had the same opinion.

"But it's his duty, and I shouldn't stop him from carrying out his mission. He's been dreaming about this for moons."

I did the best to keep my disappointment from showing, but I'm not sure it worked. I was alone again. I looked around at all the cats, chewing happily on their meals, looking forward to the day when they would carry out a mission of their own and serve their Clan in what they thought was the best way.

These cats were looking forward to dying.

I had to show them. I had to let them know that there was more to life than this. None of us deserved this.


	2. Chapter 2

Rocks crumbled beneath my feet. I scrambled backwards, scrabbling for a grip, but my claws slid helplessly along the smooth stone. My stomach lurched as I fell forward, air whooshing through my fur, my paws leaving behind all semblance of land.

Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't real. It was just a dream – I was laying safely in the empty warmth of my nest – but it didn't erase the pain. I was still going to die, and it was still going to hurt, whether or not I woke in the morning.

Colors whipped past my eyes, reds and oranges and a faint trace of blue at the far corner, then the ground was rushing up towards my face and the only thing I could think of as I neared the rocks was, _why couldn't I have landed in the water? _

Then I hit the sharp stones, hearing one last loud crack before my eyes closed.

"Arii!" I snapped awake. I was drenched in sweat, the moss from my nest torn and thrown across the den. Falcon was looking down at my, his icy blue eyes wide with concern. "You've been tossing all night."

Sighing, I shook the dirt from my pelt and pushed myself to my paws. I could still feel the air tearing at my fur as I flew through the air, the fear as I realized that the ground, which had once been so trustworthy and faithful, had turned on me and was determined to bring my end.

Falcon's tail alighted on my shoulder, and I looked up into his eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked, keeping his voice low in an attempt to let the others continue sleeping.

"Just a nightmare." I shook off his tail and padded out of the den, heading for the large rock that Hawk used to make announcements. Falcon followed close behind, his gaze never leaving my shoulders.

To my surprise, Hawk was already awake. Normally, he slept until sunhigh, because he went to sleep so late. I glanced over at Falcon, only to see his eyes cloud over with pain, and realized why Hawk was up.

Today, Shade was going to complete his mission.

Impulsively, my claws sank into the dirt, latching onto a root, which I promptly tore to shreds. This shouldn't have to happen. There _has_ to be some other way. Cats shouldn't have to die just to bring down one cougar. Falcon shouldn't have to lose his best friend.

I shouldn't have to lose Falcon.

"It's more than just a nightmare."

I didn't realize I was growling until he spoke. Hawk was looking over at me as well, his brow knit it confusion. "No, it really was just a nightmare," I lied. "Just a particularly bad one."

Falcon's ears twitched. I could tell he didn't really believe me, but right now wasn't the right time to say anything about my true thoughts. Right now, I needed to think.

I curled up in the shadows beneath the boulder and rested my head in my paws. There had to be some other way. Staging an attack wouldn't work – the cougars were to big for us to have any chance at succeeding. We would probably have to take them down individually, like we were doing, but without killing our own cats.

The rest of the cats were beginning to wake up now. I saw Pounce and Twist bound over to where we were sitting, their tails twitching in pride.

"Shade's going on his mission today," Twist said, her deep amber eyes crinkling at the edges.

Pounce's own amber eyes were dancing with excitement. "I can't wait to go on my mission. It's so honorable."

I cringed. I could practically feel my stomach twisting up and squeezing. What kind of sick world did I live in where my own brother actually _wanted_ to die? My own brother was looking forward to leaping off the side of the cliff. He couldn't wait until the day I would last see him, his body laying at awkward angles next to the river, where he could have landed and died much less painfully.

I wouldn't let him die. I wasn't going to let anymore cats die. I couldn't stop Shade from carrying out his mission today, but no more cat's mind would be filled with twisted anticipation for the day they would leap to their deaths, twisting and writhing through the air and wondering, at the last moment, why they couldn't have lived for just a little longer...


	3. Chapter 3

One paw in front of the other. One more step, one more foot forward. I gripped the ground with my claws, dizzyness causing me to sway sideways. My stomach twisted into awful knots, my head throbbing, and I broke out into a cold sweat.

I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to see Shade fall to his death. I didn't want to watch him take out the cougar in his final moments. I didn't want to see his eyes, turning back toward us as – too late – he realized that there could have been another way, that he could have had a chance had he used different tactic.

Because, in the end, they all knew it. As the dropped below the cliff, the wind whipping through their fur, they realized that it wasn't the only way. They could have lived. They could have had a family.

Just one more step, Arii. Just one more.

I stumbled forward, the branches of a bush smacking me across my face. My paws skidded across the leaves.

"Arii?" Falcon laughed. "Are you okay?" He pressed his nose against my shoulder, nudging me back onto my feet. His blue eyes were sparkling with amusement, and staring into them, I started to feel a little better. Leaning into me, he rested his head on my shoulder. "Is something wrong?"

I watched Pounce bound past me, his tabby tail rippling out behind him. Twist padded up beside me, sitting down on a patch of dirt.

"I just don't feel very good. I didn't get much sleep last night."

Twist looked over at me, her tail twitching. "I noticed that," she said, smiling. "You tossed about all night long."

Laying his tail across my shoulders, Falcon scanned the forest floor. "Would you like me to find you some herbs?" he asked.

I shook my head, kneading the ground with my claws. "I'll be fine," I assured him.

Just ahead of us, Hawk and Shade were deep in conversation. From the corner of my eye, I saw a brief wave of sorrow flash across Falcon's face, but it was quickly replaced by pride. Shade's expression mirrored his friend's, his head held high and his chest puffed out. He was leaning in, listening intently to whatever Hawk had to say, his eyes flicking back to glance at us every now and then.

I truly wanted to go back to the camp, curl up in my nest, and fall asleep forever. I didn't want to come out here and see this, but I had to. It was ritual. If I had asked to stay home, the cats Hawk and all of the cats would take it as an insult.

Twist looked over at me. "It shouldn't be long before my turn," she announced. "Hawk told me my mission is in less than a moon, and that I'm nearly as good as he is." Her eyes were glowing with delight. I could feel my own eyes cloud over with anger, and I turned away, but I knew she saw it.

"Don't worry, yours will be soon too, I'm sure." I jerked my head up, looking sharply back over at her. She thought I was _jealous_? _Jealous_ that my best friend was going to die before me? I dug my claws into the ground. Falcon leaned over and licked my ears, feeling my tension, but misinterpreting it.

"You're the best one in training, I know you'll have your mission assigned sooner than later."

"Great," I said. Neither of them caught the sarcasm.

Shade was ready now. Hawk was nodding at him, backing away and into the bushes where the rest of us were hiding. Shade took a deep breath, taking a step forward. It was about this time of day that at least on cougar would come out to search the cliffs for prey, and sure enough, a massive, well-built, sand-colored cat padded into our view. It swung its immense white muzzle toward the ground, probably picking up Shade's scent.

Shade bounded out directly into its line of view, carefully keeping his fur from bushing out even though I could tell, as far away as he was, that he was terrified. The cougar looked up, scanning over Shade's body for a threat. Evidently, it saw none, and took a seat at the edge of the cliff, beckoning Shade forward as the dark gray tom called out a greeting.

They spoke for a while, Shade playing whatever manipulation tactic he had chosen, and slowly, the cougar completely let down his guard at last. It was a few moments before Shade noticed, but when he did, he acted immediately, so fast I barely caught his movements. He dove forward, sinking his claws into the cougar's fur, planting his back paws exactly where he had been taught.

The cougar's furious roar echoed around my head, but the stone on the edge of the cliff began to crack, rocks crumbling and falling from the bank, and the flat section that Shade and the cougar had been standing on broke off. It tilted forward, and Shade struggled to hold his stance as the cougar bunched his muscles for a flying leap.

Shade wasn't strong enough. His back legs buckled and the cougar lunged, it's claws outstretched. It soared through the air, and for a moment I thought it would make it. Its claws met the cliff. Time seemed to slow as the cougar scrabbled at the cliff with its back paws, searching for a hold. Claws slipping through the dirt, it let out another roar, this one anguished as it realized it wasn't going to make it, and his claws gave way at last. I watched its body twist through the air, the terror seizing his face in one last expression: regret.

As Shade fell, beyond the cougar, I leaned forward to hold him in my memory forever, and the last thing I saw was the inevitable realization cross his face as the last of his head disappeared beneath the cliff.

The last thing he would ever think would be how he wished he could have had another chance. Just one more chance.

But he, like the ones before him, was too late.


	4. Chapter 4

Falcon was the first one to turn away. The rest followed suit, Hawk trailing along behind them, but I sat there, staring out over the red stone and the thin wisps of grass that struggled to survive along the cliff.

I crept towards the edge, peering over it. My stomach twisted as my eyes alighted on Shade's now-distorted body, his limbs laying at sharp, awkward angles. The rocks were glittering with water and blood, both from the cougar and from Shade. I could see Falcon and Hawk as they padded down a gentle slope into the gorgeto retrieve Shade. Falcon's head and tail hung low, but his eyes betrayed the pride he had in his friend for completing his mission successfully.

Suddenly, I felt very dizzy. I stepped away from the edge and laid down a few tail-lengths away from the cliff, wrapping my tail over my nose. My legs felt weak and my head pounded, and I didn't have the strength to go back, even though I knew I should have been returning to the camp by now.

Maybe I could just rest for a bit.

Sleep immediately overtook me, and I was cast into a dream, my paws slipping on an icy surface. It was the river at the bottom of the gorge, frozen, slick with melted ice that had thawed under my warm pads. Dark shapes hid under the ice, but I couldn't make out what they were. I tried to step off the ice and onto the stones, - my paws were freezing, - but my paws slid out from under me, and I collapsed face down on the ice.

A screech tore from my throat as I realized what the black sillhouettes under the river were. I scrabbled backwards, my claws skidding helplessly across the ice. "Ah!" I fell backwards onto the sharp stones and leapt to my paws, panting and shivering, until I was stable enough to compose myself.

Cats. Hundreds of cats, – cats I knew and cats I didn't – their eyes opened wide and pleading, their faces frozen in one last agonized scream. The expressions I'd seen on every cat I'd ever watched carry out their mission. The one where they realized there was more to life than what they had been taught.

Shade was under there. My parents and the rest of my siblings. My parent's friends, Falcon's parents, Twist's parents, everyone. All of their mouths stretched wide. All of their eyes begging me to save them. Their paws reaching out towards me, claws unsheathed.

Waves of nausea rolled over me, and I backed away, my legs shaking. I turned and sprinted across the gorge, my paws flying over the rocks. Behind me, I heard the ice crack. Risking a glance behind me, another shriek ripped out of my throat as cats rose from holes in the ice, their mouths opening and closing. Voices spilled out through the gorge, filling my ears, surruonding me.

"You could have saved us."

"You could have helped us."

"We didn't have to die."

"Why didn't you stop us?"

"You knew there was more."

"You knew we had a choice."

"But you let us die."

They came ever closer, chanting softly, their eyes aglow. I pumped my legs, terror coursing through me, but even though they were walking, I couldn't outrun them. It was as if I wasn't moving, as if…

As if I was frozen, just like they had been.

"Help!" I tried to cry, but no words came out. I tried to run, but my paws slowed until they stopped moving, until I wasn't moving, until I stopped breathing.

I was drowning, drowning in my own terror, their pain, the air, my screams. My lungs burned, failing to bring in oxygen, and slowly, the cats drew nearer, until the surrounded me. They crowded around me, growing larger as I shrank, and their mouths opened wide. A gaping cave swung down towards me, teeth glistening, and I was thrown into darkness.

* * *

"Arii! Arii?" My eyes snapped open. Twist was crouched down beside me, her face clouded over with concern. "What are you doing out here? The cougars could have eaten you!"

I struggled to my paws. My heart was still pounding, and my fur was standing up all over my body. "I'm fine," I muttered drowsily, taking a step and stumbling.

Twist slid beside me and pushed me up with her shoulder. "Arii? Are you sure you're okay?" She looked into my eyes. "You don't look as if you're feeling very well." Nudging me forward, she suggested that I rest in my den for a bit, but I didn't want to sleep. Not after the nightmare.

It seemed like I was having them more and more lately. As if they were warning me. Like they meant something. Did they? I'd never heard of dreams that held signs within their depths, but… What if they were telling me that I was right, that there was more to this life?

Maybe it wasn't that far off that the others could be wrong. Maybe I could show them that there was more. Maybe…

At last, we came to the camp. Twist dragged me forward, grumbling about me being so stubborn, and I finally followed her in.

But not before I saw a pair of dark green eyes watching us through the bushes.


	5. Chapter 5

Sleep never came that night, but I wasn't looking for it. No, what I wanted tonight was for everyone else to fall asleep, so that I could sneak out and find those eyes.

They'd bugged me all day. As I talked to Falcon, as I ate my prey, as I crawled into my nest, I'd been thinking about them. What were they doing there? What did they want? Maybe they had information I could use, a different tactic for taking out the cougars.

I'd heard that other groups of cats lived in the forest, but I'd never met any. As a matter of fact, I'd never seen or scented any, a fact that led me to believe it was a myth.

But those eyes were purely feline, and I was going to find out who they belonged to.

At last, steady breathing filled the den, and I pushed myself to my paws, maneuvering carefully around the sleeping cats. I slipped out into the clearing, the cool night breeze wrapping around me. The moon was hidden behind clouds, and the darkness hid me as I slunk into the trees, my nose bent to the ground.

At first, I couldn't pick up any scents – just the fresh scent of the forest. But then, bit by bit, I could smell cat. She-cat, with a hint of a different part of the forest. It led deeper, into the heart of the trees. I crept farther along the scent trail, looking up every now and then to make sure I knew where I was and how to get back. The ground started to change from a thick covering of leaves to a thin layer of pine needles, and the moon broke out from it's cover.

Suddenly, there was a rustling to my right, and a dark shape burst from the trees, bowling me over and knocking me to the ground. All the air in my lungs left me in a _whoosh!_ and I lashed out with my paws. I felt fur tear between my claws, heard a muffled growl of pain, and threw off my attacker.

The cat scrambled backwards and stood, panting, in the shadow of a tree. I lifted myself from the ground, staring, my sides heaving as they attempted to refill my lungs. "What are you doing in my territory?" a light, she-cat's voice demanded.

The she-cat looked up, if only for a moment, and her dark, sparkling green eyes scanned mine. "Looking for you," I told her.

Her eyes snapped back to mine. A wave of fear rippled through them, as if she thought I was going to kill her for being in my territory. "I'm not here to hurt you," I assured her. "I just want to know who you are and why you were in my territory. I'm Arii."

She laid her ears back, but she stepped into the light of the moon. Her fur was pale gray with white patches, the moon turning her silver. As she curled her tail behind her, I caught a glimpse of a pale ginger tail-tip, so light it was barely visible. "My name is Cinnamon, but you can call me Cinni. I live with a group of cats back there," she gestured behind her, "that train all day to kill the cougars."

I dug my claws into the earth. "By knocking cougars off cliffs and dying in the process?"

Cinni tilted her head. "Exactly."

"So why were you on my territory?" I asked, sitting down and curling my tail around my legs.

Looking at the sky, Cinni shifted her paws. "I… my brother went to kill his cougar a few days ago," she began. "As he fell, I realized something: it didn't have to be this way." I sat up straighter, staring her right in the eye. Had I really found someone who felt the same way as I did? "There had to be another way. It's not like killing the cougars off one by one is doing us any good, you know? So I decided that I was going to find another way to take them down. I've been sneaking around, looking for a group that used a different technique, but there is none. We all do the same thing."

I sighed and looked down at my paws. There had to be some other way. Or was I going to have to watch Pounce, Twist, and Falcon, die? And for what? Nothing.

"There _has_ to be something we can do. I've been having these dreams, and it's almost like the spirits – if there even is such a thing – want me to stop this."

"We'll find something." She was standing on her toes, her fur bushed out, and I knew she was as angry as I was. "No more cats have to die."

I looked up at the moon. "No. From this day on, every cat will have another chance. They will know what it is like to live until they're taken by nature herself."

Cinni nodded, looking over at me. Her eyes were blazing with fury and determination, a deadly combination. "They have to. There is no other choice."

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**A/N: Hello! It's been a few days since I updated, and it will be another few until I update again! I'm going camping, starting today and ending on Wednesday morning, so my next update won't be until then. Thanks for reading, and sorry for the wait!**


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